Reading the "How to Pray for Spiritual Growth" book

Hello, Companion Mustard Seed Library book readers,

Yesterday, I ordered a copy for myself of this book from amazon.com. So now will put the book back in the stack which Pastor Maddox is looking through for possible inclusion on the shelves of the Mustard Seed Library. There are more chapters in the book than I've covered here on the blog: forgiveness, religious imagery, renewing our memories, seeing Christ in the events of our lives, seeing ourselves in the events of Christ's life, focussing on a feeling, etc., etc., etc.

For this section on integration and balancing opposites, the author relates an example from his own counselling experience:

"A married couple came to me with a deep hurt between them; since they could no longer talk with each other, they needed to talk with a third party. After being with both of them for a while it was obvious to me that this was a case in which both the husband and wife had believed the American stereotype of what it means to be male and female; he was detached emotionally, overly logical in his opinions, and confused by displays of feelings and by needs for creativity; she, on the other hand, was given to outbursts of various emotions, had not developed her rational mind to any great extent, and was in touch with her feelings and expressed with great intensity that she was hurt, angry, and miserable in this relationship.

"Since the marriage was more than ten years old, it took quite some time for them to see that in a sense, unconsciously, they had planned things this way, that each had chosen the role he or she played because at one time it had been comfortable for him or her and for the other as well. For early in the marriage he did not want to threaten his macho image by admitting that he was sensitive and had deep feelings, and she did not want to threaten her femininity by being strong and assertive. So they had made an unconscious contract to behave in the way in which they indeed were now behaving.

"But after several years, the convenience of this arrangement began to erode. While at first she had wanted her man to be strong, rational, and independent, she was now feeling a need for him to be sensitive to her feelings and to give her understanding; and while he originally enjoyed his wife when she could express her feelings and his own as well, and he thought her comical when she could not follow his ideas, now he was needing her to look at life from his point of view once in a while and to be able to act more independently in making her own decisions.

"Also, they began to dislike themselves the way they were, and they began to blame each other for it. She could not see her own worth and value because he would never affirm it, for he was now looking for things she could not and/or would not give him; he was almost constantly angry at everyone--which revealed a deep anger toward himself--because he did not sense that he was important, nor were his opinions valuable, to his wife.

"Once we unraveled this complicated tangle of ideas, expectations, and emotions, the couple saw that each needed to find more balance in his or her life so that their relationship could express the mutuality they were seeking. Each saw the internal lack of balance in both of them as the cause of their relationship problems, and they were motivated to grow as well as to go through the painful process of allowing their relationship to change, that is, to change the ways they needed each other, their expectations of each other, their individual participation in their family life, and their needs for time outside the family.

"While none of this was easy or simple, the beacon of hope we all had through this process was the prayer for integration and balance. At first we prayed that Jesus would bring about in both of them a new integration within their own personalities, that under the Spirit's guidance they would discover and act on new capabilities within themselves--that he would discover his ability to be sensitive and she her ability to be assertive. Then we prayed that between them God would establish an order with the grace of understanding and patience. In praying for a balance in their relationship we asked the Lord to help them discover and cherish in themselves the parts of themselves that were like the other. The rest of our prayers included forgiveness (Chapter 5) for past hurts and healing of memories (Part Three) for experience of their marriage, both individually and as a couple. But the majority of our praying centered on discovering their true selves by praying for integration of opposites within their personalities.

"This was the beginning of great change and growth in them as persons and as a couple. After an intitial four weekly visits, I saw them individually or as a couple once every two or three months for approximately three years. Over that period of time she began to organize her time better and to find new ways to express herself, including working for a while. He found himself growing in his ability to listen to her feelings and to understand her hurt. They decided to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend and their communication benefited greatly from the experience--and that was something both of them would have resisted before praying to discover their true selves.

"Their marriage and family problems smoothed out with counseling and prayer, and with much work and time. Part of the hard work involved was the difficulty they experienced in allowing the Lord to help them grow, but especially in accepting the ways their spouse was growing. It was a time of "creative instablity" in their marriage, when they did not know definitely what to expect from themselves, let alone from the other, but in that freedom the Lord had a chance to work and show them how to love each other in the ways they needed to be loved."

This is a long blog entry to have typed out but I just thought this example was so profound. The way that he counselled the couple, over three years but, just the right amount of time spent in counselling sessions (it sounds like it was probably less than 20 hours), coupled with the man and the woman developing their prayer life and spiritual growth over that time frame so that, in fact they both were able to recognize a conscious acceptance of their own responsiblity, know themselves and each other better, listening more openly to God, is a mark of the greatest of being free as Christians. Could be they had absorbed the Galatians book in the Bible.

Anyway, I am enjoying the book and putting into practice journal writing, prayer of quiet and prayer of light. If anyone else wants to read it in its entirety, it will be in the stack of books that Pastor Maddox has.

The next book out of the stack which Joyce contributed is "The Hour Than Changes The World: A Practical Plan for Personal Prayer" by Dick Eastman. Maybe out of this one, I can just pull some short quotes for a change.

God bless,
Sharon